David Cameron today announced a clampdown on unemployment. Within 2 minutes of winning the General Election on 7th May 2015, the sTory Big Battalions will roll out on an offensive to make sure British Youth have hope.
The Prime Minister said, “It is my priority to make sure that all young people have hope for the future. To do this we will be using all the multi-million pound, global corporations that use this great country of ours to generate their profits”. He went on to say that all corporations operating in the UK will be expected to carry their share of this country’s burden.
For every one million pound of profit a company generates in their financial year, they will be expected to employ one additional young person between the age 16 and 20 years of age. Companies will be expected to pay the minimum wage, approximately £10140 per annum. This will reduce their declared profit by that amount for each million pound of profit declared.
Companies will be left £989869 for each million pound of profit they make. Mr Cameron said, “I like to think the global capitalists really should make a contribution, especially as they work really hard at avoiding tax. This way, we cut out the middle man, HMRC, and the money goes straight into the young person’s pocket”.
The CBI responded by claiming that this would hit company profits and reduce investment. A spokesman in a suit said, “If we are forced by the state to pay one young person £10140 out each million pounds we make then we’ll soon run out of money. Straight away we’ll be down to £989869. If you then take off the Executive Bonuses, that quickly falls to £2.75. No one can invest if they have to pay £10140 to a young good-for-nothing scumbag”.
Labour responded by saying, “This is all well and good, but these young people need to be unemployed to maintain the capitalist system. We are not socialists you know”.
A LibDem spokesman said, “We will have to look at this. We may have to increase tuition fees by £15000 to maintain consistency”.
The Daily Mail went into meltdown, and Editor Paul Dacre’s head is reported to have exploded causing a bit of a mess down the pub. A young person employed by Pub Klean Int (UK Division), who are participating in Mr Cameron’s scheme, is on the scene cleaning up the mess.
UKIP are claiming that all young people in the UK are immigrants. One young person said, “Chance would be a fine thing”, as my Gran used to say.
Highly unlikely to happen but you’d think all of these clever people could do better than come out with the same old tried, tested and tired policies.