Here is the letter David Cameron sent me. It arrived this morning. It had a Leicester post mark so maybe Dave was up there yesterday visiting some of his hard-working taxpayer friends.
He starts by telling me that in the next few weeks the voters across Britain face a very important choice. He must think I’ve not heard about the election.
He tells me The Conservative’s number one priority in government has been to get Britain’s economy back on its feet. Well you’ve failed with that one Dave. He talks about security as if he knows what he’s talking about. He has no idea.
He tries to tell me a few more lies, as he probably assumes as a hardworking taxpayer I’ll fall hook, line and sinker for his story. Sorry Dave, your story just doesn’t ring true. I’m seriously wondering if you live on the same planet as me. Seriously Dave, you should come and have a walk around Bedford. Not one of those walks provided by Richard Fuller’s Bedford Tours for the Gullible. No, try a down market version, a Job Seekers Tour for instance. You’ll get a real feel for what’s been going on in Britain for the last five years if you choose that option.
Dave then reminds me that it’s important that here in Bedford & Kempston we have the best local representative standing up for me and my family. I have to agree with Dave on that. He then tells me that Bedford & Kempston is one of a handful of seats that will determine who will become Prime Minister after the election, Dave or Ed Milliband. So today he is asking for my support so he and his mates can finish the job.
Dave, you must think we are all idiots. After the way you have behaved over the last five years I wouldn’t trust you as far as I could throw you. You break your promises. You lie. Your friends get sent to jail. Your judgement is appalling, and you have mates like Ian Duncan Smith, Michael Gove, Grant Shapps, Ester McVey. I could go on, but I’ll just mention one more, Richard Fuller.
I have written to Richard, or can I call him Dick as I’ve written so many times. I have a good idea what Dick Fuller is, and one thing he is not, is my representative in Parliament. A more accurate description of old Dick would be, The Westminster Representative of The Conservative Party in Bedford & Kempston. Not exactly what I’m looking for in a representative.
I’m not sure what you are trying to do in this picture Dave, but boy have you missed the point. I know you like to get down with the working types, but come on Dave, everyone knows that one does not eat a Hot Dog with a Knife and Fork. And where’s the ketchup? I can’t see a squeezy bottle of Heinz anywhere on that table. You nearly had me there Dave. I was moaning about you a bit, but you nearly had me. And then you eat a hot dog. For Christ’s sake Dave, judgement Dave, judgement, you don’t have it. You’re just a big fucking rich geek.
The best thing we can do Dave is dump you, and your mate Dick Fuller, then we can start again and get to the bottom of all this crap you keep feeding us. I dread to think what we’ll find when we’ve got rid of you, because you can be a bit of a fibber.