Over the last three months I have conducted serious research on how we might improve our voting thingy. This research included extensive interviews with voters, serious polling, nights of intoxication and long periods of the darkest depression. You could not begin to imagine. But try if you want to.
I have concluded that electoral reform is essential. This will take the form of a new clause in our constitution. The aim will be to make sure that the great British electorate will always have a choice on every ballot paper they are presented with.
No longer will the electorate be faced with that voter’s nightmare, in the confines of the polling booth, “What the fuck do I do now?”
The reform will be known as the 23/6 clause. Every ballot paper, from Referendum, General Election all the way down to who is going to collect the tea money, will have an additional voting option.
That option will be the “Knob Head” option. Every voter will be able to put a cross in the “Knob Head” box.
I know what you are thinking, but it’s not like that. At the end of every count all voters who voted “Knob Head” will be entered into a prize draw.
The inclusion of the “Knob Head” option will enable an extensive promotion campaign to increase voter turnout. We estimate that the array of fantastic and amazing prizes on offer will increase voter turnout to almost 150%.
For instance, during the recent referendum campaign the following prizes would have been available to “Knob Head” voters:
- a 2 week all expenses paid trip to Brussels
- match tickets and overnight accommodation to a football match of your choice in Iceland
- an evening of TV and take away meal with Sarah and Michael Gove
- a two-week camping holiday on the French coast near Calais
- a weekend of crayons and colouring with Boris Johnson
- a one year subscription to The Sun for a whole week, that’s 4 free copies of The Sun, one copy each day for each working day of the week, including the weekend if you work in the NHS
- a free portion of Fish & Chips, with the option of FREE salt and/or vinegar, all wrapped in yesterdays Daily Mail and delivered to your front door within 24hrs or your money back
- the chance to walk down the main street of the German Town of your choice wearing nothing more than a pair of Union Jack Pants, and what’s more, they’ll be partly pre-soiled by none other than George Osborne, all ready for you to shit yourself in front of the Germans like a true England footballer
- a free look into your future by one of the treasury’s top forecasters
- a free weekend course entitled, “The Truth and How to Recognise a Liar”
As you can see the quality prizes on offer will guarantee a massive voter turnout, improving our democracy and ensuring we will never have another democratic debacle.
The legislation will be included in the next Tory Government’s Queen’s Speech and should be in place by the 2020 election. Please remember that although this is a promise it is only a possibility.
We reserve the right to change the prizes at short notice. In the event of a Tory defeat or a draw, all “Knob Head” votes cast will added to the Conservative Candidate’s total. In that case all prizes will be replaced by nothing and you will be expected to make a monthly donation to Government propaganda.
We guarantee all this for 6 months before any election and a full fourteen days after the election.
If, after the fourteen days expire, you are not satisfied, you can vote us out at anytime at the next election.
What have you got to lose?